Happiness. It's what I want. It's what we all want, I think. But why is it so hard to come by? I've been working on creating my own happiness for the majority of this year. It comes and goes, but I'm hoping it's here to stay for a while now.
I'm sitting in a random coffee shop on 34th St, discovered by being accidentally early to an audition and in need of some way to occupy my time for 30 minutes. The "organic coffee" sign caught my eye, and I was thrilled to see only one person in line ahead of me. Further thrilled that a small was only $1.91, and then ecstatic to find that the coffee tastes amazing. As in, good enough that I had the urge to run into the street and tell people about it. Which I didn't, not that anyone would have looked twice anyway. I sat down by the window to watch the tourists fumbling around enjoying themselves, not noticing that I didn't close the lid on my coffee properly. I bring it up to my mouth, and proceed to spill a decent amount all over my leg. I looked down and stated, "well that's no good.", and laughed.
After processing the moment, I was completely surprised by my reaction. On any given day, it would have been "F%*&", followed by crankiness at the loss of such good coffee. What is wrong with me? For two days now, I have been obnoxiously happy for no good reason. Why?
I stopped thinking. Usually, I am perpetually trapped inside my own head: What I should be doing, what I haven't accomplished yet, do people like me, am I making all the right choices, it goes on and on forever. When you're in a constant state of "not good enough" - everything you do seems insignificant. What might be amazing to someone else, is just a check mark for me, and then it's, "what's next?". Yes, the drive is there, and it gets stuff done, but the mental heaviness becomes extreme. Slowly, it creeps, until one day you're just so overwhelmed everything seems hopeless. Super healthy, right?
Earlier this week, I came across a quote by one of my favorite people, Jordan Bach. If you don't read his blog - do. Anyway, he said,
"Change your thoughts and your feelings will change, then your attitude, then your behavior, then your life."
A simple statement. But it resonated with me, and everything just clicked. Spend enough time putting positive energy out into the universe, and it is bound to come back to you. People sense it, and are drawn to you. Even in a city of assholes.
To be honest, this isn't a new discovery for me. I have put it into practice before - but life happens and it's easier said then done sometimes. I get so caught up in my career, the next project, reaching that unattainable level of "success". Working so hard only to be rejected. It's tough. When all I really need to do is just let go, and find my inner peace. Do something for someone other than myself. Dance for the joy of it, not in a desperate attempt to book a job. Love without getting hung up on if it's reciprocated. Stop being afraid of failure. Don't overthink. Just be a human and live.
So that's what I'm doing. I smell like coffee, and my leg is probably burned. But I'm going to dance, and I'll be happy about it.